Doctor don’t want you to know that duct tape takes away warts with just as much efficiency as an outpatient freeze-off procedure. Here are some more of my favorites.

• Coughs can be chased away with shots of hard liquor or, if you want to go a cheaper, less alcoholic route, by eating almonds, grapes, or onions.
• Garlic isn’t only good for staving off vampires. It also stops jock itch cold. Hey, you never catch Mario or Luigi scratching their private parts, do you?
• To soothe an earache, dab a cotton ball with olive oil, heat it up for a few seconds in a microwave, and then stick it in your ear. Also tasty with bread.
• Beat back nausea by downing a light, carbonated soft drink. The reason it works is the bubbles magically make your tummy feel better.
• Momma always used to clean your mouth out with soap when you swore, but if she weren’t so evil, she would have just made you eat up an onion. They make like Schwarzenegger with an AK-47 on all the killer germs in your foul trap. Eat one a day and your toothache should disappear.
• Apples not only keep the doctor away but they also battle light depression with as much gusto as any prescription drug. Not poison apples, though. Those make you fall into a coma until dwarves resuscitate you and help you overthrow the jealous evil queen who gave them to you.
• I don’t know why, but whenever I have a headache, and I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch or its cheaper Malt-O-Meal cousin, Toasted Cinnamon Twists, it magically disappears. When I’m out of cereal, I just lay back and say a soothing word to myself over and over until the headache vanishes.
• If you want to get rid of your cold as quickly as possible, eat lemon slices. They’re gross, but not as nasty as a constant stream of snot flowing out of your nose.
• If your toenails are cracked and discolored by fungus, pee on them. If you have difficulty urinating on yourself, dump mouthwash on your feet. But do not, I repeat, do not mix things up and pee inside your mouthwash container.
• It’s tempting to cut corns off but doing so can lead to infection. A better way to erase them is to get a hold of some chalk, grind it up into a paste, and smear it around the bulges.

Medical degree schmedical degree.